


A Trip Back in Time

by nevermoreraven



Series: Having Faith [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: I really suck at this tagging stuff I apologize, I repeat minor character death, M/M, Mentions of Alcohol Abuse, Minor Character Death, POV Dean, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 22:25:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3626517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevermoreraven/pseuds/nevermoreraven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His father’s chest was not rising and falling it was horribly still. Dean clung to Sam and felt tears fill his eyes and he knew. He knew that his dad was dead.</p><p>They stood back as the doctors and nurses tried to revive their father but it was no use. John Winchester died in a hospital bed while his children watched from a far.</p><p>For the first time in a long time Dean felt wetness on his cheeks.</p><p>He realized that yet again someone important in his life had left him.</p><p>If only Dean had made more of an effort to communicate with his dad.</p><p>If only Dean could forgive John for being a complete and utter asshole.</p><p>If only Dean could have swallowed his pride.</p><p>It was too late for if only.</p><p>His father was dead.</p><p>********************************************<br/>This the third part of the Having Faith series.  It is essentially little snippets into Dean's mind and what happened to him after he pushed Cas away when they were teens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Trip Back in Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nephilim67](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nephilim67/gifts).



> This is part three of Having Faith. It is told entirely from Dean's perspective and runs through some events that were not detailed during Keeping the Faith. I tired to make it as a stand alone, but to be safe, if you haven't read the first two parts you really should, well maybe not the second one because I think it sucks and I'm working on fixing it. The first part of the series is called Keeping the Faith and the second Making Mistakes. 
> 
> Also I had posted this a little earlier, but I completely fucked it up somehow and it kept telling me that it was posted on the 10th of March so I apologize to those who left kudos, computers dont like me like at all.
> 
> So without further ado, I bring to you, Part three.

**November 2014**

Dean woke up in bed and for the first time he did not have a ridiculous hangover. Instead his heart was pounding and the sheets were tangled around his legs.

His skin was covered in a sheen of sweat. He had another nightmare. The nightmares were always the same. The house was burning, Sammy was crying from his crib and John was yelling at Dean to take his brother and run.

The nightmares usually start a few days before his mother died in that tragic fire. Her death caused John to completely check out. She was the love of his life and for some reason he never really recovered from her loss.

Dean dragged in deep and ragged breaths and tried to ignore the phantom tendrils of smoke from his sub-consciousness.

It was early November and Dean knew that soon he would start drinking as if his life depended on it. Everyone knows that November second is the worst day for Dean.

He usually spends it in a drunk haze watching the minutes tick by slowly wishing for his mother to be alive. Wishing that she wasn’t taken away when he was so young.

Dean sat up in bed and shivered as the cool temperature of the room began to seep into his bones. He looked around and saw his phone blinking on the nightstand. He reached for it. It was a piece of crap phone that still had buttons; meanwhile, Sammy and Adam make fun of him constantly for it. Dean’s fingers are too big for the touch screen phones and he works at a bar and mechanic shop, two disaster prone areas.

The phone was blinking because Sammy had left him a voicemail. Dean listened to his dorky brother, _“Hey Dean, I guess you’re still sleeping, I was calling to remind you not to do anything stupid today. I know that it’s hard. It’s always been a hard day for us, but I’m not there to help you pick up the pieces, so please Dean, don’t do anything stupid. I’ll call you once I get out of class tonight.”_ Sam paused, _“Love you Dean.”_ he said quickly and hung up the phone.

Dean groaned, why did everyone think that he was going to do something stupid, granted he didn’t have the best record when it came to smart decisions, but still. Sammy was at Stanford in California. It is his first year and the little shit was able to get a full ride. Sammy has aspirations to be a lawyer, Dean snorted, he always was the smart one. Samuel Winchester was going to school at a big box well named and esteemed university to become a Lawyer.

Adam Milligan was going to a big box well named and esteemed university to become a Doctor. Dean Winchester, never going to go to school to become anything but a small town mechanic and flirty bartender.

Dean was destined to take care of his brother and not himself and he knew this. Dean finally swung his legs over to the edge of the bed and rested his elbows on his knees, he was really getting cold now. He could see the hairs on his arms standing up as they tried to trap the warmth close to his body.

Dean rose and walked into the bathroom to shower. The house was quiet, eerily so. Dean has been living in this house his entire life and it still creeps him out to know that his father wasn’t in his room sleeping off his hangover. Or that Sammy needed to be dragged out of bed. As much as that kid loved school, he never wanted to wake up to go.

Dean turned on the shower and waited for the water to warm up as he took a piss and brushed his teeth. Steam started to bellow from the shower and he stripped off his boxers and stood under the hot spray. He let it beat down on his shoulders and hung his head. There was no one here to know that some of the moisture that slipped down his face tasted of salt and sadness. Dean cried silently in the shower, not just for his mother who was ripped from him when he was so young, not for his father who left him long before he died, but for everyone that he had lost. For Castiel, the only person that Dean ever loved beside his family.

He stood there for a long time until the water began to run cold and he had to step out. He dried off with a towel and didn’t bother slinging it around his hips because there was no one home. Sammy was off at Stanford, his mother had passed when he was four and his dad, well John was dead too.

What made the beginning of November really sucked was because of the fact that a few years ago, John was mourning his wife and had too much to drink. He then got into the impala and decided to come home. Well let’s just say he never made it.

* * *

**November 2010**

Dean walked into his house once again and realized that it was too quiet. That only meant that John was either sleeping or out at the nearest bar. Dean sighed, he really did not want to deal with it. Slowly he went up the stairs as he stripped off his grease stained clothing and turned on the shower.

The spray was a anything but strong, but Dean shrugged. Dean scrubbed his body until the weariness of the day slipped down the drain. After drying and dressing in sweat pants and a AC/DC shirt Dean went to the kitchen to whip up something to eat. He was bone tired from working at Bobby’s, but he needs to eat something.

Afterward, he grabbed a beer and sat down in front of the TV. He tired not to think about anything. He tried not to think about Cas and how he hadn’t heard from him in a long time. Secretly Dean has been looking into private detectives to possibly look for Cas so that Dean can find out what happened to him.

Dean knew that he was emotionally constipated and because of that he tends to push people away instead of drawing them closer. Dean couldn’t understand what Cas could even see in him. He was nothing compared to him. Dean barely graduated but that was only because Cas had been there to help him the entire four years. Then senior year Dean celebrated with Cas because he got into Brown and one thing led to another than they slept together.

Dean’s heart started to pound as he remembered how good Castiel had felt wrapped around him, all the noises that he tried to smother. Dean began to harden and desperately tried to think of something else when his phone rang.

He picked it up instantly, “Hello,”

“Dean, it’s Jody, I need you to meet me at the hospital.” Jody’s voice came over the phone scratchy with static and Dean for a moment thought she said something else.

“What, why, what happened?” He asked her as he rose to put on his shoes and jacket.

“It’s your dad Dean, he was in an accident.” Dean froze in the middle of putting on his coat and the phone slipped through his hands and clattered onto the floor. He could hear Jody calling his name, but Dean was too numb.

His dad was hurt.

His father was in the hospital and Dean needed to get there. Dean slowly grabbed the phone and asked here which one and rushed out of the door.

When he finally made it to the hospital it smelled awful. The scent of bleach was so overpowering that his nose was beginning to burn from it.

He rushed to the front desk and a bored looking woman looked up from the screen. “May I help you?”

“John Winchester, he’s my father, I got a call that he was here.” She typed it into the computer and frowned and then looked up at him, “He’s in the ICU, I am going to need your ID to verify who you are and then you can go up.”

Dean was slightly aggravated that he had to do that but he quickly tossed his ID at here and then ran to the elevators that would take him to the sixth floor where his father was located.

Dean burst onto the floor and Jody was sitting in an area sectioned off from the elevators. Bobby was with her and she was holding his hand.

“What the fuck happened?” Dean snapped.

“Dean,” Jody began, “I am going to need you to calm down.” Her eyes bore into Dean and he slowly sank into the couch and tried to steady his hands. “I got a call about a car accident at about four thirty this afternoon. When I got there your father was trapped in the car that was basically fused to a tree off of the freeway. Firefighters had to use the jaws of life to get him out. He was breathing when they put in the ambulance.” She paused and took a deep breath after reaching for his hands, “Dean, it’s really bad, they don’t think that he’s going to make it.”

Jody kept talking but Dean didn’t hear a word of what she said after telling him that his father was dying. Suddenly the world around him went from having the loud beeps of machines that kept people alive to a dull roar that sounded like his blood rushing through his veins.

He could hear his heartbeat and it was too loud even to his own ears. He could feel the cold temperature of the hospital through his leather jacket even though he had been sweating moment earlier. His dad was leaving him. Granted they never really got along because John Winchester was never known for being a great dad, but he was still his father. Even if they couldn’t come to terms because of their own choices, Dean still loved the bastard much to Sammy’s dismay. Sammy.

Dean had to call Sammy. “Sammy, I have to…” Dean interrupted Jody and she gripped his hands tightly as if she was trying to ground him in the present. Who knows, maybe she was. Dean had no idea that he was trembling until he felt her arms come around him,

“Dean, look at me, we already called him. He will be here in a few hours.” Dean swallowed thickly, “Can I, can I see him?” he asked.

“Not right now.” Dean looked at her as if she lost her mind, “It’s not my call, it’s the doctors. He is in surgery and they don’t want to risk him getting an infection. You can’t go in there tonight.”

Dean sat in the waiting area for hours and watched the minutes tick by. Sam burst onto the floor looking much like Dean had a few hours ago. He rushed over to them and Dean wrapped his arms around him and they clung to one another.

Sammy shouldn’t be in the hospital, he should be at Stanford doing lawyer things to get his degree.

“What the hell happened Dean?” Sammy asked.

“Dad was in a car accident, we aren’t allowed in there until later, but he is alive and that’s the best that we can hope for at the moment.” Sam looked over and noticed that Bobby was there as well and he moved to give him a hug.

Jody had left a few hours ago and it had just been Dean and Bobby. The three of them sat for what felt like hours but was only half an hour when the doctor came to them.

The doctor was a middle aged man that was chubby but balding as well. His tag read Dr. Zachariah Adler. Dean stared at him blankly. The doctor took a deep breath. “Well he made it through the night. His body has sustained a number of injuries, his arm is broken and he had bleeding in the brain and there was a lot of pressure which is why we took him into surgery. He is sleeping now, but there is still a risk for infection you can visit him one at a time.”

He looked at each of them individually, “Let me be clear, only one person at a time. He is in a medically induced coma so that his body can heal, the injuries could have been worse, but he was highly intoxicated at the time of the accident and believe it or not it is what helped save him.”

“Doctor is he going to make it?” Sam asked in a small voice.

“I’m sorry it’s too early to tell.” With that response the doctor turned away and left the three of them in the waiting room.

They looked at one another and Sammy looked scared. Dean understood why. When he left to go to Stanford John didn’t like it one bit. They had a huge fight before he left and John told him that if he was going to leave that he should stay gone and never come back. It had broken Dean’s heart to hear his father say that to his brother, but Dean was always in the middle of their fights trying to diffuse the situation before it got to be too bad.

He wasn’t able to succeed that time.

“I’ll go first.” Dean finally said.

“Okay,” Bobby and Sam responded.

Dean walked up to the room that his father was in and paused at the doorway.

He took a deep breath before pushing in the door. Nothing could prepare him for what lay in the room.

His father looked like a broken shell. There were different machines hooked to his body and he had a mask that covered his face. He apparently couldn’t breathe on his own. His head was wrapped in a white bandage that looked stark against his salt and pepper hair. He looked smaller than Dean could ever remember.

His arm was in a cast and his eyes were closed even though it looked like he had two black eyes. He probably broke his nose because there was a piece of tape that went across the bridge of his nose. Dean’s breath stuttered in his body and a broken noise escaped him as his mind slowly took stock of his father’s body.

Dean walked to his father’s side and looked at his pale face. His chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm that was due to the machines around him. Dean wondered if his dad could hear him while he was in a coma. Dean remembered reading that patients can hear what is going on around him so Dean cleared his throat.

“Hey dad,” Dean paused and then let out a bitter chuckle, “wow, I haven’t called you that in a long time.” Dean quieted, “Sammy’s here. So is Bobby. We are waiting on you to get better. So hurry up dad. Pull out of this and come on home.” Dean drew in a deep breath,

“Why dad, why did you have to go and get yourself into a big car accident. Why did you have to crash the Impala. Man dad, just, hurry up and get better.” Dean quieted again and turned around and walked out of the room.

He went to waiting room and exchanged looks with Bobby. Bobby understood what Dean was trying to say and then he went into the room and left Dean with Sam. “Sammy, I am going to have to warn you, it’s not pretty.” Dean said. Sam looked at him and nodded. His face was pale and there were dark circles around his eyes. Dean was sure that he didn’t look much better.

Dean felt tears burn behind his eyes and tried to will them away. “I’m, I, I am going to go grab some coffee Dean, do you want anything?” Sam wondered.

Dean shook his head at him and was grateful that he would have some time alone. He watched Sam walk away and realized that the little shit had gotten taller on him. He was finally growing into his paws. Dean smiled and shook his head.

Bobby returned and his eyes were suspiciously red but neither of them mentioned it. They sat there together silent until Sam returned and walked towards the room that their father was being kept in. Dean and Bobby held their breath because they knew that Sam and John didn’t have the greatest relationship.

They sat together for about half an hour when suddenly Sam started screaming in the room “Dad, noo,” and there was a horrible flat tone that kept going.

Dean and Bobby rose, but Dean was quicker. He reached the room even before the nurses and the doctors. Dean slipped through dark black liquid that was on the ground it smelled like coffee.

Sam must have dropped the coffee that he brought. Sam was desperately shaking their father who was motionless on the hospital bed. He grabbed Sam who was struggling against him trying to get to their father and the monitor that had been beeping steadily was shrieking in the background.

His father’s chest was not rising and falling it was horribly still. Dean clung to Sam and felt tears fill his eyes and he knew. He knew that his dad was dead.

They stood back as the doctors and nurses tried to revive their father but it was no use. John Winchester died in a hospital bed while his children watched from a far.

For the first time in a long time Dean felt wetness on his cheeks.

He realized that yet again someone important in his life had left him.

If only Dean had made more of an effort to communicate with his dad.

If only Dean could forgive John for being a complete and utter asshole.

If only Dean could have swallowed his pride.

It was too late for if only.

His father was dead.

* * *

**March 2011**

Dean pulled into the driveway at home. Finally, this complete cluster fuck of a day was over.

Dean woke up at six thirty because he couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned in bed for most of the night because he had desperately wanted to have a drink.

Dean was steadily trying to pace himself. About a month after his father died Dean finally pulled out of the bender that he was in. He would drink until he couldn’t see straight then go into his father’s room and yell at the space he used to occupy. Afterwards he would call Sammy and rant and rave about how everyone would leave him.

It came to a point where Bobby, Sam, Jody, Ellen and Jo had to have an intervention so that he wouldn’t drink himself to death. It wasn’t that Dean would hurt himself, he would disregard everything around himself. Dean finally fixed the impala about three weeks ago. For a long time he couldn’t even look at the car without remembering his father. It was literally nothing but a mass of twisted metal, broken glass, and blood stains.

It took a long time for Dean to get the parts, he had to start from scratch, unbending the body. Taking apart the engine and fixing all the broken parts. He had to repaint it as well. Dean worked hard putting in a new windshield and windows. Putting the car back together slowly soothed Dean’s broken heart.

Dean sat in the car for a moment and listened to the engine tick as it cooled. It was March, but that didn’t mean that spring was showing up anytime soon. There may not be any snow on the ground, but it was still cold.

As Dean stepped out of the car he pulled his coat closer to his body and came up short when he saw a teenager no older that seventeen sitting with his back against the house. He had a duffle bag and his head was resting against the wall and his eyes were closed. He wore a thick coat and he had dirty blonde hair that rivaled his own.

The kids legs were stretched out in front of him and Dean tapped his foot. “Hey, get out of here, this ain’t no charity house.”

The kid jumped and jerked awake. He blinked blue eyes at Dean and frowned at him. His eyes slid past Dean and looked at the Impala. His eyes visibly brightened and he rose a little stiffly to his feet. “Hi, I was looking for John Winchester.” The kid asked.

Dean felt like he was punched in the gut. All of the air rushed out of his chest and he found himself really taking a look at the kid in front of him. He looked suspiciously like Sammy did when he was that age. He was all limbs that were too long for him and had such a baby face.

“Why?” Dean asked.

“Uh, because he’s my dad, who are you?” the kid sassed.

Dean’s entire world came to a screeching halt. What in the ever loving makers of pie was this kid talking about. There is no way that they were related. John may have been an asshole, but there is no way that he would have a kid that no one even knew about. Let alone, have that kid look at Dean as if he felt like John hung the fucking moon.

Dean blinked at him, “What?!?” he exclaimed.

“I’m sorry, who are you?” he asked.

“I’m fucking Dean Winchester that’s who, John Winchester’s son.”

The kid’s eyes widened and filled with awe and excitement, “I have a brother?” he asked shyly.

Dean just gaped at him. His mouth hung open. He knew that he must look like a weirdo but dammit, this kid just dropped a bomb on him. The teen shivered and it was only then that Dean realized that he was cold and that they had been standing outside like idiots.

After fishing out his keys he grabbed the kids arm and bag and roughly shoved him inside. Dean slammed the door behind him and stalked into the living room leaving him at the door.

Dean roughly rubbed his face and dragged his hands through his hair and pulled as he tried to calm down. His dad had another kid. His father that completely checked out after mom died. Who claimed that he could never love another woman. No, Dean thought, no way would his father cheat on their mother like that.

“Sit down.” Dean snapped at the kid and pulled out his phone and dialed Sammy. He picked up after a few rings, “Hey Dean, what’s up?” he asked.

Dean watched the kid sit down in the living room that Dean was slowly fixing up. “Hey Sammy, listen this is going to sound weird, but I just got home and there is a kid here claiming that he’s dad’s kid.”

There was a long pause, “I’m sorry what?” Sam paused again, “Dean, are you drunk?” he asked suspiciously.

Dean rolled his eyes and turned to the kid after putting Sam on speakerphone, “Hey kid, say your name so Sammy believes that you’re real and not a drunk mans hallucination.”

The kid looked at Dean funny and then finally spoke up, “Um, hi, yeah my name is Adam, Adam Milligan.”

“See, I am not drunk.” Dean said. Sammy got quiet again and Dean was sure that he resembled a fish. There was a soft female voice in the background and Dean knew that was Jessica. Sam’s girlfriend who was way too good for him.

“I’m sorry what?” Sam repeated.

There were muffled voices that were in some kind of hushed argument that was happening between Jess and Sam, when Sam came back onto the line he said, “Am I on speaker?”

“Yeah.” Both Dean and Adam said. They looked at one another and then back at the phone that Dean had set down on the coffee table.

“Why are you here?” Dean asked loud and clear so that Sammy could hear.

The kid---er Adam shrunk into himself and then blushed all the way to the roots of his blonde hair, “I kind of got into a fight with my mom and ran away so that I could live with my dad.” He rushed out. Gaping a second time Dean stared at him and then said, “Well,” he started at a loss of words. “I just want to be with my dad.”

“Dean, I think that you should take me off of speaker for a minute.” Sam said gravely. Dean picked up the phone and put it to his ear and then he turned on the TV and told Adam to sit. After walking into the kitchen Dean’s shoulders slumped. There was a hard weight in his chest, as if the air in his lungs had suddenly turned into stones. He tried to take a deep breath and he couldn’t.

He pulled the phone away from his ear as he regained control over his body in time to hear the end of what Sam was saying, “…you have to be gentle telling him about dad.”

“What, we don’t even know if this Adam kid is telling the truth.” Dean snapped.

“Well ask for proof then Dean, but be gentle about it. I know how rough you can be.”

“Oh shut up bitch.’

“I mean it jerk.” They both quieted on the line and Dean sighed heavily and reached for a tumbler and the bottle of whiskey that he had in case of emergencies.

This was a fucking emergency in Dean’s book. He poured a generous amount and hung up the phone after telling Sammy goodbye. Dean could hear the TV from the kitchen and he really didn’t want to go in there.

After taking a long sip of his drink he carried it into the living room where he found Adam looking at the different photos that survived John’s drunken rages. Adam jerked and looked at Dean. His eyes flicked from Dean’s face to the tumbler in his hand.

Dean sat down and nodded at Adam who came and sat across from him. “So, this is awkward.” Adam began after Dean leaned back and stared at him while taking sips of his whiskey.

He snorted, this kid had no idea, “Alright, I need to know what the hell brought you here to my doorstep looking for John?” Dean snapped.

“I told you already, he is my dad.”

Dean rubbed his face really hard and mumbled, “Proof, do you have any proof other than your word?”

There was a pause, “Yeah, in fact I do, I grabbed the photo that I took with him when we went to a baseball game.”

Dean’s hand dropped from his face when he heard what Adam said. Suddenly there was a photo shoved into his view.

It in fact was his father, smiling with his arm wrapped around a younger Adam wearing baseball caps. What was the real kicker was the fact that John was fucking sober.

With trembling hands, Dean took the photo and stared at it, “He took you to baseball games?”

“Yeah, what did dad do with you guys?” Adam asked innocently and earnestly.

Dean chuckled bitterly, “Well it sure as shit wasn’t any fucking baseball games.”

Adam frowned at Dean, “What do you mean?”

“Listen kid--” Dean began

“My name is Adam.” he interrupted.

“Fine, listen Adam I don’t know how to break it to you, but John died. The bastard’s been in the ground for the past six months.” Dean said.

He winced when he realized how callous that came out. Dean watched as all the color drained from Adam’s face and he felt like a complete asshole, no- even worse, he felt like John. Here he was talking to his brother with a glass of whiskey and instead of breaking it to him gently he went and hit him over the head with it.

Dean put down his drink and said, “Look, lets get to know one another first. I really suck at talking, which you will learn.” Dean paused, “Wait how old are you?”

“Seventeen.” Was his response. Yup, Dean called it.

“First we have to call your mom so that she knows your okay and then we are going to get to know one another.” Dean rose and tossed him his cell phone, “Here use my phone I am going to grab us some beers.”

He walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge and grabbed them two beers. He set them down on the counter and took out a frozen pizza from the freezer and popped it into the oven after preheating it. He walked back into the living room and they sat for a few hours getting to know one another.

At first Adam was shy about the beer but he drank it. Dean learned a lot about him and in turn he realized that his father may have left him, but he gained another brother. Together they laughed causing Dean to appreciate this new development in the shitty life that he’s been living.

* * *

**December 2014**

Dean was having a bad day. He had gotten into an argument with some asshole at the shop and Bobby told him to go home. Who the fuck was that guy telling Dean that he was incompetent. If that bastard knew how to fix his stupid foreign car than he should have don’t it his own damn self instead of criticizing Dean abilities.

There was a dark cloud forming around Dean as he stalked down the sidewalk instead of going inside. His breath puffed in front of him with each breath he took. He noticed a little girl playing with chalk by where Cas lives and realized that it was his daughter. Cas still hadn’t brought up Dean meeting her.

All Dean could see while he was driving past was a slim figure wrapped in a coat, hat, gloves and scarf. When Dean looked at her properly he felt like someone had ripped his heart clear out of his chest.

She was beautiful. He couldn’t tell what color her hair was but she had vivid green eyes that rivaled Deans. She spoke with such elegance that it reminded him of Cas and how formal he usually spoke. When they had the discussion about batman Dean felt his heart swell painfully in his chest. Yep, she was definitely his daughter.

Suddenly, Cas was outside and Dean was being invited into the house and soon it was just him and Cas.

Dean realized that he was in the wrong by forcing Faith to meet him even though he really wanted to, “Cas, man I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to just drop by out of the blue like this but I had a shit day and I saw her playing outside, and I know I sound like a complete creep, but I couldn’t stay away, and I really am sorry---” Dean rambled.

“Dean,” Cas said as he tugged him to sit on a couch, “it’s okay. I am sorry, I should have came to you earlier, but I was scared.” They sat down together and Dean basked in the warmth that was Cas sitting next to him.

They looked into each other’s eyes for a long time. “She seems amazing.” Dean blurted.

Cas smiled so wide that his gums showed, “That she truly is, there were times when I felt like she was a complete copy of you, especially when she became addicted to Batman.”

Dean huffed out a laugh, “So what do we do now?”

Cas rubbed his face, “I really don’t know Dean. There aren’t any guidelines to this kind of thing. I think that we are going to have to play it by ear,” he paused, “but there are some rules that you are going to have to follow.”

“Anything man, I just want to get to know her. I missed out on like a lot of years.” Dean responded dumbly.

“Yeah, you did Dean.” Cas blew out a breath, “I don’t even know where to start.”

Dean laughed, “Yeah I know, what you mean, how about you tell me what she knows about me?” Dean asked quietly.

Cas took a deep breath through his nose and exhaled through his mouth. He stared at Dean for a moment before he began, “Faith knows that she has another father. I never kept that from her, what she doesn’t know is who that man is. I told her that we were young and that you were scared. That is why you weren’t in our lives. I never told her anything bad about you.”

Dean felt his throat thicken and his eyes sting, “Cas man, I--I am sorry, I just--”

“Dean, now is not the time for apologies, I am eternally grateful to you because you helped me when I needed that money in order to pay for Faith’s surgery, I know that you have changed, but what you need to understand is that I am not the same person that I was back then.” Cas soothed Dean before he could work himself up.

“What do you mean?” Dean interrupted. Cas sighed, “Dean, a lot has happened to me, I am literally not the same person. I stopped being, I don’t know, as trusting as I was back then.” he paused, “My number one priority is Faith. She always comes first, do you understand?”

Dean nodded but he was still curious, “I wish that I had acted differently that day Cas, you have no idea. Hurting you like that was the single biggest regret that I have had in my entire life.”

Castiel nodded, “I believe you Dean, I really do, but like I said, this isn’t about us, our relationship, or rather, the lack of relationship. We are two parents that have one thing in common and that is our daughter.”

Dean wiped at a stray tear that slipped down his cheek, “I understand.”

They sat for a while absorbing each others presence when Dean spoke up, “What do I have to do to be in my daughter’s life,” Dean paused for a moment, “to be in your life too Cas.”

“No surprise visits Dean, that is the number one rule that I have. You can’t just come over expecting her, expecting us, to drop everything for you.” “I would never--” Dean protested. “No, I don’t want to hear it, that is the number one rule. If you want to see Faith or have her spend the day with you, you have to call me a few days in advance so that I can make sure that everything is ready.” Cas tilted his head to the side while he thought, “If for whatever reason, you treat Faith unkindly, I will beat the ever loving crap out of you Dean. No, I don’t think you understand, I can’t deny Faith the right to see her other father, but I will stop her from being hurt. I never want her to experience the rejection that I experienced.”

Dean dropped his head down and wiped a second tear that slid past his defenses, “I promise that I wont hurt her.”

“Dean don’t make promises that you can’t keep.” Cas said suddenly.

They both quieted again and then Cas apologized, “I’m sorry Dean, I really am, but like I told you earlier, I am not the same. Another rule that you have to follow is that if you don’t want to be in Faith’s life anymore you have to explain to her why, I don’t want her to wonder what went wrong. No cursing around her is another rule.”

Dean smiled as he remembered Cas and his dislike for any type of profanity, “Okay, but can I have some rules too?” he asked.

“Sure, what do you have in mind?” Cas wondered.

“I want her to know who I am now. I know I met her already, but she doesn’t know who I am and I want her to know.” Dean ended lamely.

Castiel smiled and suddenly there was a faint shuffling coming from the kitchen. Faith must be in the kitchen. Castiel called her over and she climbed into his lap when she learned that Dean was her other father.

They spent a long time asking one another different questions when she fell asleep against Cas.

“There is no way you are going to keep me out of her life.” Dean murmured to himself before he invited Cas, Faith, and Luke to dinner. Dean rose and listened to his bones pop because he had been sitting down for hours.

He waited until Cas put Faith in the bedroom. When he saw that Cas was free he wrapped his arms around him in a bone crushing hug that caused his chest to tighten with emotion. Dean clung to Cas and pressed his face into his shoulder near his throat and struggled not to completely break down. After a few tense moments Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean and gripped him just as tightly.

When they finally drew away from one another Dean stared into the bottomless ocean eyes that have haunted him since childhood and leaned down to press their lips together. Castiel turned his face away and gently pushed at Dean’s chest.

“I am sorry Dean, but I am just not ready to be intimate with anyone.” He spoke quietly and sadly.

Dean cleared his throat as he tried to stamp down on the sting of rejection that struggled to well up, “No, its okay, I should be the one apologizing.”

Dean turned around and walked out of the door, but this time it wasn’t with a heavy heart or tears blurring his vision. It was with a clear head and a thrilled heart. Dean met his daughter and she was amazing.

Cas had done a wonderful job raising her, but he didn’t have to do it alone any more. Dean was going to be there, through thick and thin. When Faith threw tantrums, or gets her first broken heart.

Dean was going to be there to make sure that she knows that Dean loves and cherishes her.

* * *

**August 2015**

Dean never would have thought that he would enjoy going to the park. He was a grown man and here he was, at a park, watching his little girl play on the swings. Cas was pushing her and her squeals of delight could be heard from the bench that Dean was sitting on. It was a beautiful day, the sun was high in the sky and there wasn’t a single cloud in sight. It was pleasantly warm and there was a late summer breeze that carried the scent of different flowers that were planted around the park. There was a large slide, two sets of swings and a number of other structures that the children could be distracted by for a few hours while their parents rested.

There were a few kids in the park and what Dean found amusing was the fact that it was the same park that he had met Castiel at when they were children. A few moms sat on benches cradling coffee mugs and some had strollers with babies inside. Over all it was a great day. Castiel moved back to Lawrence a few months ago and Dean was finally able to ask the guy out on a fucking date. Dean had been terrified, stopping and stuttering until the words finally fell out of his mouth. It had to be one of the hardest things that Dean had ever done in his lifetime. He was so scared that Cas would just shun him, push him away, or even punch him for being such a dick. Cas had done none of those things, he smiled and agreed.

They still haven’t had sex. Something that was completely unheard of for Dean. Usually his partners would have dropped their pants by now, male or female. Dean feels like there is something that he is missing when it comes to Cas. Cas has changed so much. When Cas told him that he wasn’t the same person, Dean didn’t want to believe him, but now that he has spent extensive time with him he truly understands what he meant by that comment. They have only made out. Dean hasn’t even gotten any heavy petting in, it’s a little sad actually. Dean isn’t upset that they haven’t done it, he is upset because he feels like Cas is keeping something from him.

Dean used to be able to read him like an open book, but now he is so closed off when it comes to discussing what he has been up to these past few years that Dean is taken aback. He misses the friend that used to tell him everything. He misses Cas who called him at two in the morning to tell him about his first kiss with what’s-his-name. The only thing that Cas is open about now is Faith. Just Faith.

Dean learned that she was born prematurely and that there were some struggles that Castiel had encountered, but that is it. No explanation or descriptions of what those obstacles or struggles were. It made Dean sad. He felt like the Castiel that was in his life wasn’t really there all the way or was missing. Dammit Dean felt like this Cas was an imposter. Granted Dean was never the one to talk about his feelings or problems, but he was always there to listen to Cas.

Dean looked up when he heard his name called and sure enough the two people that mean the entire world to him were walking towards him. Well Faith was running and Cas following at a much more modest pace.

“Did you see how high daddy pushed me?” Faith gasped as she collapsed on the bench next to him.

“Nah, it wasn’t that high, I bet I can push you higher.” Dean retorted.

“You will do no such thing Dean,” Cas said as he neared them, “it’s safety first.”

Both Dean and Faith rolled their eyes and then Faith did something that she never has before, she climbed into his lap and Dean felt his heart stutter in his chest. She willingly was in his arms. Dean’s chest was about to burst with happiness. He looked past her to Cas and saw that he was smiling as well. He had a soft look in his eyes as if he was trying to memorize this moment. Dean grinned and crushed Faith into his chest until she started to protest that she needed to breathe.

Dean and Cas laughed and suddenly Cas’ phone started to ring. It was the default tone meaning that Castiel didn’t know who it was. Faith and Dean watched as he fished his phone out and frowned at the screen.

He slid his finger to answer the phone and said, “Hello?”

Together, they watched as every muscle and bone in Cas’ body stiffened and he shot Dean a guilty look and walked away from the both of them. “What’s wrong with daddy?” Faith asked.

Dean glanced at her and noticed that she had a worried look on her face and her eyes were a little glassy. Dean tightened his arms around her, “I don’t know baby, but we have to be there for him.” Faith climbed off of his lap and together they walked toward Castiel and that was when Dean heard the tail end of the conversation.

“O-Ok Agent Henricksen, I will be there. Please send me the information and I will make arrangements to attend.” Pause, “Okay, thank you, you have no idea how happy this makes me. How much safer I feel, yes, have a good day.”

Dread pooled in the pit of Dean’s stomach. Why would Cas feel unsafe? What the fuck happened to him? Dean felt his protective instincts kick in, but he shoved them down. He wasn’t going to turn into a hot head. Not in front of Faith, so instead, he held his arms out for the both of them. Faith held his left hand and Cas his right. Together they walked towards the Impala. When Faith first learned that it was his car she was ecstatic, apparently Cas used to drive a Toyota much to her dismay. Together the three of them piled in and they drove back to Cas’.

As soon as the car came to a stop Faith was out of it like a shot, she was squirming most of the drive meaning that she had to use the restroom. Together, Dean and Cas sat watching as she slipped through the front door. There was a heavy silence in the car as Cas radiated unease. It had to be from the phone call and not being in the car with Dean.

“Who was that on the phone Cas?” Dean finally asked. It sort of fell out of his mouth. He winced when he realized what he asked because it apparently was possible for Cas to tense even more.

Slowly, Cas turned and looked at Dean. His hands shook as he raised them to run them through his hair. Dean caught his wrist in his hand and tugged him closer, “Hey, I am not mad at you, I just want to know what’s wrong.” Dean finally told him.

Cas still didn’t respond, but Dean felt wetness against his throat where Cas had his face pressed. Dammit he was crying. Dean didn’t mean to make him cry, he just wanted him to know that he was there for him. Castiel sniffled and finally pulled back. He wiped at his eyes but tears still escaped. He exhaled shakily, “Dean, there is a lot that I haven’t told you. You know this and I am grateful that you have been so patient.” Cas paused and looked at Dean in the eyes. His stare so intense that Dean was reminded of the old Cas, “I had something really bad happen to me. I-I’m sorry, I am still not ready to talk about it, but the bad--man, that did the things to me was finally caught. I am the only surviving victim and they need me to come into the station to--to identify him.”

Dean froze when Castiel began talking but the more Cas told him about what happened the more he felt rage bubbling at him. Someone hurt Cas. Someone hurt Cas. Some sick fuck put his hands on Cas. His Cas. When Dean finds this guy he is going to beat the ever loving shit out of him. He is going to rip his fucking lungs out. Although, Cas wouldn’t have even been in that situation if Dean had any balls back when they were younger. Had Dean just stepped up to the plate and told Cas how he felt instead of pushing him away then he would never have been found by that guy. Dean grimaced when he came to this realization but the next thing that Dean knew Cas had cupped his face.

“Dean, none of what happened to me was your fault. I can see what you’re thinking. I made my own choices and you respected them.” Cas pressed a tender kiss onto his lips and Dean felt his eyes flutter shut and the tension in his body slip away.

“What is going to happen now?” Dean asked after they pulled apart slightly, just enough for them to breathe.

“I have to go to California.” Dean frowned at him. When the hell did Cas ever go to California.

“Dean I think that it would be best if you came over after Faith has gone to bed so that I can tell you what happened. I’ll tell you everything that happened to me. The only thing that I ask of you is that you don’t--don’t look at me any differently.” Cas whispered.

Dean nodded and pressed a final kiss to Cas’ lips and watched him unfold himself out of the car and walk into the house.

Dean felt like he was going to need a drink. The way that Cas spoke was like he indescribable. Dean had felt him tremble in his arms as he struggled to control himself. The one thing that Dean knew was that he was going to find out what happened to Cas and that he was going to help him in any way possible. Dean loved him. In fact, Dean realized that he had always loved Cas and only Cas. No one else could compare to the feelings that Cas brought out in Dean. It was as if Dean suddenly became whole when he was around Cas.

Dean sat for a moment and then finally listened to the Impala’s engine turn over as he started her. He drove the half block to his own home. Opened the front door and for the first time in a long time reached for the pot of coffee instead of the bottle.

He wanted a clear head when Cas told him what happened. He didn’t want his mind dulled by the alcohol in his system. Dean was going to be strong, not only for himself, but for Cas and Faith.

He was going to be there for the both of them.

Hopefully, Cas would realize that the same way that he had changed that Dean had changed as well.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to say thank you for reading. Your comments and Kudos keep me writing by letting me know that there are in fact people who enjoy my work. I am going to start working on a timestamp that is entirely written from Castiel's perspective soon. If there is anything specific that you want me to write about feel free to post your suggestions in the comments. I don't have a beta so all mistakes are my own. If you see any please let me know. Once again, thanks for reading.


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